


things you said

by peachyblush



Category: GOT7
Genre: Almost facing fears?????, Alternate Universes, Angst, Depression, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Characters, LGBTQ Themes, Long-Distance Relationship, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, THERES MORE FLUFF I PROMISE, alcohol consumption, cute mornings, more tags to be added as the collection proceeds c:, they're gay and in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 9,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15971903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachyblush/pseuds/peachyblush
Summary: i. things you said at 1 amii. things you said through your teethiii. things you said too quietlyiv. things you said over the phonev. things you didn’t say at allvi. things you said under the stars and in the grassvii. things you said while we were drivingviii. things you said when you were cryingix. things you said when i was cryingx. things you said that made me feel like shitxi. things you said when you were drunkxii. things you said when you thought i was asleepxiii. things you said at the kitchen tablexiv. things you said after you kissed mexv. things you said with too many miles between usxvi. things you said with no space between usxvii. things you said that i wish you hadnt





	1. things your said at 1 am

**Author's Note:**

> this is mostly me practicing building scenes, and not stressing over prefection - and also markjin because i miss my boys (they're all drabbles, below 500 words, occasional 1k+)

“ _Hello?”_

Jinyoung feels every single cell of his body wake up, he sits up, switching the night lamp on. He can feel the smile creep on his face. He doesn’t try to suppress it. “Hey, Mark.”

“ _Is it late?”_ Jinyoung can hear the guilt in Mark’s voice. _“Were your sleeping, Jinyoungie?”_

1:04 AM. Jinyoung falls back on the bed, arm nestling his head, he sighs dreamily. “No, no, I was finishing my project,” he lies, biting his lower lip. “What’s up?”

“ _I just finished my presentation,”_ Mark sighs. _“It went well, but I had a panic attack before it started.”_

Jinyoung frowns, heart aching, he thinks of holding Mark’s hand, squeezing it warmly. He wishes he could’ve been there to help him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, hyung.”

“ _It didn’t last long, don’t worry, Jinyoungie, I listened to audio you sent me. It really helped a lot.”_

Jinyoung feels blood rush into his face, head dizzy. He grins at the ceiling, whispering. “I’m glad.”

He hears some shuffling, and Mark’s breathing, street noises as background music. Jinyoung imagines Mark floating around in space, looking peaceful, eyes closed, a tiny smile on his face. And imagines himself next to him, their hands inches apart. Just a little and they could-

“I just wanted to hear your voice,” Mark says after a beat of silence. “How are you?”

Jinyoung gulps. “I’m good, a little busy with college stuff.”

“ _Me too,”_ More shuffling. _“I’ve got to go, Jinyoungie, I’m at work,”_ There is a long pause, before Mark whispers (literally whispers). _“Bye, Nyoungie, I love you.”_

“No homo,” Jinyoung chuckles, ignoring his erratic heartbeat. “I love you, too.”


	2. things you said through your teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> homophobes are _never _worth it.__

Jinyoung felt giddy sitting here, it’s been nearly a week since he’s come to America to see his boyfriend – for the first time, and this is their first Official Date ever. Jinyoung couldn’t stop typing long texts to Youngjae, telling him about how much the films faked lives in America, the places he and Mark have planned, and how much he misses him. It’s not entirely true, all Jinyoung’s been doing since the first day is cling onto Mark, cuddle with him, watch their favourite films. He’s been occupied, but Youngjae’s laughter isn’t as lively through phone. He’s waiting for Mark to return with their coffees. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he trusts Mark’s taste.

“What an _asshole_ ,”

Jinyoung turns around, putting his phone down, and finds Mark gritting his teeth as he sits down. Jinyoung offers him a small smile, but Mark doesn’t return it – he keeps the coffee mugs down, glaring at the barista. Jinyoung looks at the mugs, they both seem the same thing, so he takes one – _oh_. There’s a dick drawn in one of them.

Mark holds Jinyoung’s hand, pushing the mug with a heart in it towards him. “Start drinking it, okay?” He stands up, “I have to speak to the fucking manager.”

Jinyoung holds Mark’s wrist quickly, pulling him down. “He was probably joking, Mark, it’s okay.”

“He fucking wasn’t,” Mark sits down anyway. “He’s a shitty homophobic, I _won’t_ tolerate this.”

Jinyoung takes a deep breath. Homophobes are pain in ass, yes, but it’s their first Official Date. They aren’t worth ruining their date. “Don’t let him ruin our date,” He takes the sugar packet, and dips it in the mug, stirring slowly – dissolving the picture. “See? It’s gone. We’ll talk to the manager later, okay?”

Mark seems to be a little unsettled, but he nods anyway. He carefully clinks the mugs together, and smiles half heartedly. “Aren’t you an optimistic little bean?”

“That,” Jinyoung grins. “I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhhhhhh i hope my first Official Date with my gf goes something like this (minus the homophobe)


	3. things you said too quietly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung needs a megaphone, seriously.

Music hums through his body, sweaty bodies everywhere, Jinyoung should’ve known better. It’s America, most of the film-esque things don’t happen here but it’s 1:28 AM and everything is like a film. There are about hundred adults here with bad drinking habits (including himself, of course, look at the big tequila glass filled with pink liquid in his hand), Mark is using the restroom, and, if the films are more accurate, he’ll come back complaining about people having sex there. Jinyoung feels adrenaline pumping in his veins, it’s been so long he felt this rebellion feeling.

Jinyoung flinches vigorously when someone touches his shoulder, and turns around, very careful of his movements. There’s a lady, obviously drunk, and trying her very best to stay on her feet.

“Hi,” she giggles, slapping Jinyoung’s shoulder. “What _is_ up, my man? Are you alone here?”

Jinyoung smiles awkwardly. “Uh, no,” He cringes at his english, he needs more practice, seriously. “I’m here with a friend?”

“Bet he’s good-looking, too, huh? My friend over there?” She points at some person in the crowd, Jinyoung pretends to wave and nods. “She thinks you’re cute.”

“Cool,” Jinyoung knows she’s being a wingwoman, and knows what _cute_ translates in these situations, but it’s fun to mess with drunk people. “Would you let her know I appreciate her aesthetics?”

The lady laughs, her head thrown back, she bangs her palm on the counter, making noises which don’t sound like laughter. Jinyoung controls his laughter, trying to seem innocent. The lady waves at someone, and cups her hand around her mouth, trying to amplify her voice or something. “ _Biiiitch_! He ain’t interested! Says he likes your aesthetics, though!” She turns to Jinyoung next, her grin borderline creepy. Jinyoung cracks a smile. “Good one, my dude! See ya’ around! Bye!”

As soon as she leaves, her place is replaced by Mark, who seems amused by his interaction. Jinyoung raises his glass in silent cheers, and drinks a good one-fourth of the glass. Mark chuckles, leaning a little closer. “I’m so glad you’re mine,” he whispers, too quietly for Jinyoung’s liking. “And I’m yours.”

Jinyoung feels his chest fill up with tickles, he feels his heart trying to come out of his chest, and wishes Mark would say to louder, so the whole place (the whole world, if possible) know that. Go around yelling it, into people’s ear, breaking into a house just to say that in a megaphone. Jinyoung is getting a rush of thrill just by the thought of it. He wants to give this hysterical thought a try, now.

He wraps his arms around Mark’s waist, pulling him as close as he can, pressing his lips against Mark’s. “Me too,” he whispers against Mark’s lips, which are stretched into a wide, adorable grin. “Can’t wait to yell it in a megaphone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaa this was the softest thing i've ever written and i apologize for the Long Lack Of Updating. but here it is!!!!!!! one more (or two!!) to come today don't worry loves!


	4. things you said over the phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute kids and mark tuan will be the death of park jinyoung.

Balancing phone between his cheek and the shoulder is hard enough, now he’s got to push this stupid broken trolley, and get all of the things on the list. All of this is bad enough, but there is a kid crying, and Jinyoung’s heart aches. He wants to hold the kid and coddle it out of crying, but he can’t right now and Mark will not stop adding things into the list. He’s on the other side of the phone, telling Jinyoung where the cold drinks are, but instead, he keeps adding snacks and useless candies (of specific _companies_ and _flavours_ , mind you) into the list. It’s too much to remember, honestly.

“Hurry up,” Jinyoung hisses, trying to get the trolley move in the right way. He doesn’t have any luck today, huh? “I’m having the worst day and your cravings for candies is getting out of hand.”

He hears Mark chuckle. “Aww, _Nyoungie_ ,” He coos, “I’m here, your day will get better in two seconds!”

Jinyoung is about to curse at him, when he notices a small kid staring at him, a lollipop in his mouth. He whispers it against the phone, and smiles at the kid, who approaching him with measured steps. Jinyoung feels his heart leap at the cuteness of this kid. He’s got this chubby cheeks, and tiny hands which are made into fists. He bends down, still hearing Mark talk about what Great Romantic Gestures he’s planning.

“ _Plus, I was thinking–”_

“Mark, this cute kid is coming near me,” He says, almost dying of a heart attack. “He’s so cute I don’t know what to do.”

“ _I lost... from a kid?”_

Jinyoung makes a confused noise. “What?”

“ _I LOST MY NYOUNGIE’S ATTENTION_ _TO_ _A KID!”_ Mark yells, Jinyoung keeps the phone away, wincing at the loud voice. _“SHAME, TUAN, SHAME!”_

Jinyoung chuckles, bending down as the kid approaches him, he smiles widely at the kid. “Hi, there,” He looks around for any adult. “Who are you with? Mommy? Daddy?”

“That...” The kid points at a bag of candies Mark asked to get, and pouts innocently. “Can I have that?”

Jinyoung laughs. “He wants your bag of candies,” he tells Mark. “Say bye-bye to your candies, Tuan.”

“ _NO! NYOUNGIE PLEASE!”_

He stands up, grabs the bag of candies, feeling a little evil being satisfied in himself, and gives it to the kid. The kid giggles adorably, hugging the bag of candies, he runs away. Jinyoung wants to hug him so bad, but it’s probably really creepy thing to do here. Especially without the kid’s parents around.

“It was the most satisfying thing ever,” He says, “He was the cutest thing ever!”

“ _You gave him the candies, didn’t you?”_

“Of course I did! Do you know how cutely he asked? He had this cute little yes, and he’s the definition of tiny!”

Jinyoung stands up, and puts his hand on the trolley, rocking on the balls of his feet, he can’t stop smiling.

“ _Jinyoung?”_ Jinyoung snaps out of his daydream of being surrounded by hundreds of small babies. _“You know something?”_

Jinyoung hums. “Yeah?”

“ _I love you.”_

Jinyoung feels blood rush into his head, heating his face up. Jinyoung drops his gaze onto his shoes, trying to cool his face before anyone notices. _“I can hear you blushing, Nyoungie,”_ Mark giggles. _“You’re so predictable.”_

“Shut up,” Jinyoung groans. “I hate you.”

“ _No, you don’t.”_

Jinyoung chuckles. “...I don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay :") + markjin are so cute tf?


	5. things you didn't say at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung isn't sure if he likes this.

Getting a job changed everything. Jinyoung found himself busy with his work, reading stories from young authors, poems, scripts for plays – giving them critique as nicely as he can. He loves his job, it’s basically read, judge, and get paid. Something he has been doing since twelve years old (even in Korea). It also gives him enough money to survive in a foreign country, independent, and even send some back to his family in Korea. He doesn’t hate the difference of amount as much, now.

It also reduced the time he’d spend moping over sad films, waiting for Mark to come back from his work, and daily dates’ money. He’s got a 9-5 white collar job, and he couldn’t be more proud of himself.

“Do you have to go?” Mark whines, “It’s Sunday, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung slips into his jeans, and places a soft kiss against Mark’s lips, muttering. “It’s just a meeting, though.” He wraps his arms around Mark’s waist to hug him properly, resting his chin on Mark’s shoulder. “I’ll be back before lunch, okay?”

Mark opens his mouth, then closes it, nodding his head. “Okay.”

Jinyoung kisses him once more, whispering an apology as he leaves.

*

Three days later, Jinyoung walks out of RR, holding a book, while his phone is pressed against his cheek and shoulder, he checks time in his watch, it’s only 4:30 pm.

“ _Hello?”_

He takes the nearest paper and uses it as a bookmark. He takes his phone in his hand. “Hey, I’ll be coming home late.”

“ _Oh.”_

“It’s another meeting. It’s like, since I’ve joined, there are more and more books to read, and many authors to critique, and more deadlines,” Jinyoung chuckles. “We’re only four people, so... yeah.”

“ _Okay. When will you be back?”_

“I’ll leave at nine, so around nine forty-five?”

“ _Cool.”_

Before Jinyoung can say anything, the line goes dead. He frowns, but goes back inside, telling himself he’ll ask Mark later.

*

Later, turns out to be nearly two months. With Jinyoung and Mark are working constantly, barely even glancing at each other while leaving, or cuddling. They never get time to cuddle, Jinyoung goes to bed early, and Mark is too tired to even walk to the bed. The only time they get to speak is during dinner (but they don’t), when both of them sit down, mechanically chewing as they watch yet another film on a romcom channel. Both too tired to even pick up a conversation.

Today, though, Jinyoung is back early. He makes two traditional Korean and Taiwanese dishes, unplugs the TV, and sets up the table prettily. Mark comes back at six, right on time, and he opens the door cheerily, saying, “Welcome back~”

Mark grunts in response. Jinyoung notices Mark’s state for the first time in two months. He’s got horrible eyebags, he looks thinner (on the verge of disappearing), he looks terribly sick, and every piece of clothing looks as though not washed for years.

Jinyoung closes the door behind him, carefully watching Mark trudge into living room, dropping on the sofa carelessly. “Markkie-pooh,” He mutters. The room has deafening silence, He hates it. “What’s wrong?”

Mark grunts again, lifting his arm, and Jinyoung holds the hand gently, sitting next to him. He carefully places Mark’s head on his lap, and cups his cheeks. “You look dead.”

“Ha,” Mark chuckles. “I _am_ dead.”

“Is this part where you tell me you were a vampire all along?”

It makes Mark giggle a little, his face looks less sick with the smile on his face. “No, I wish,” He sighs, the smile disappearing. “I’ve had only eight hours of sleep this whole week.”

“What?”

Mark nods. “My pills are over, I haven’t had time to get a refill since a month. And that’s not only it, I’ve had horrible mental health since _months_. I didn’t notice till I had a night all by myself yesterday.”

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be sorry, Jinyoungie,” Mark sighs again. He clearly isn’t breathing properly. “What would you do? I didn’t want to disturb your work. Even if I did, what would I say? ‘Hey, Jinyoung, I feel like killing myself, and there’s a knife right _here_ ’?”

Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to think. The only thing he knows is that he feels terrible. He shouldn’t have had joined this job, maybe. Maybe that’s where he went wrong. There are rocks in his chest, he can’t feel the end of a boulder sinking in his stomach, he wants to cry.

“Should I,” He takes a deep breath, gulping a lump in his throat. “I think I should quit my job.”

Jinyoung looks at Mark’s eyes, they just stare at his soul for a good minute, before Mark stands up, halting for a millisecond to glance at the wall-clock, and walks out.


	6. things you said under the stars in the grass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> out of all drunk shenanigans jinyoung has been into, this enters his travelogue.

Three beer bottles and Jinyoung is still only tipsy. Maybe because he’s used to stronger alcohol, or maybe Mark purposefully bought dilute. Jinyoung sits cross legged on the grass, in front of Mark who is laying on the grass, forearms nestling his head, an empty beer bottle next to his head. Jinyoung copies him, but scoots closer, moving the bottles above their heads. The night sky is... normal, night skies are overrated, it’s rare to find a _lot_ of stars every night.

Jinyoung turns his head a little too fast, making him a little dizzy – must be the alcohol, he thinks. He stares at Mark, admiring the unmade hair, sticking onto his forehead thanks to sweat, eyebrows covered by his hair, brown eyes moving slowly. From this angle, Mark’s nose looks like a mountain, which makes Jinyoung chuckle.

“Your nose looks like a mountain,” He says, grinning. “We’re just missing the colour here.”

Mark grins. “I’m one with the nature, huh? Fuck,” Mark turns his head, maintaining an eye contact. “I am nature, Jinyoungie, love me.”

“I love you, Mother nature- no wait,” He scoots closer, nestling his nose against Mark’s chest. “You’re a dude, so that makes you Father nature.” He presses his lips against Mark’s ribcage, trialling butterfly kisses till his neck. “Unless you prefer Parent nature.”

Mark shifts his head, allowing his boyfriend to press more kisses on his neck, shift completely on top of him, pinning him against the comfortable grass. He is straddling Mark’s hips, almost sitting on his dick – just a little away from it. Jinyoung bites his skin a little, which draws a satisfied hum from him. “Parent nature boosts my feminist ego.”

“Cool,” Jinyoung mutters something against Mark’s neck, he sits up, placing his hands below his chin, wrists together. “Here’s the real question, though: Am I prettier than the sky?”

It’s so cheesy, but Jinyoung is tipsy and doesn’t give any fuck about it. He wants an answer, and Mark’s cute smile pushes the embarrassment for tomorrow. Mark points at the sky, and then back at Jinyoung. “Let’s see,” Mark narrows his eyes. “You’re almost going to squish my dick, the sky isn’t.”


	7. while we were driving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's hard to recoil after a trigger, but mark survived, so jinyoung is sure he can, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ** _TRIGGER WARNING_** : suicidal thoughts.

3:04 AM.

The street is empty, broken street-light is flickering above the car, it’s too dark for an early summer morning, Jinyoung understands that he has to take what he gets right now. Mark is somewhere in the radius of five kilometres, searching for gas station. Jinyoung is just sitting here, pretending his phone is not dead and he’s scrolling through his facebook. They should’ve gone together, or called a toll truck, or something – anything but this. It’s miserable sitting alone in a brand new car, no charge in the phone, a barely bright street-light above him.

Jinyoung flinches upon hearing a knock on the glass – it’s Mark. He chuckles, bends over the gear, opens the lock.

“Did I scare you?” Mark presses a kiss on his lips.

“No,” he lies, grinning. “I was distracted by something.”

Mark chuckles. “Sure, whatever you say.” He keeps a small, plastic tank on the seat, patting it. “Your car better have good mileage, Park Jinyoung, it’s got only two litres and a motel is three kilometres away.”

Jinyoung opens the gas tank, nodding. “We’ll manage it.” He listens carefully as Mark opens the plastic tank, pours in the gas, and comes back, tossing the plastic in the back-seat, closing the door. He starts the car, a wave of relief hits him when it starts immediately, and hitting the road once again feels like freedom – they won’t be stuck in the middle of nowhere, they can reach a safe place for today, and get something planned for tomorrow, and finish their road trip. So far, only one of Jinyoung’s fears has come true, and one of Mark’s, too.

“I’m so proud of you for not freaking out,” Mark says, and Jinyoung can see his knuckles whiten, half of his gut is too heavy for his body. “You did good, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung tries his best to smile, nods timidly, focuses on now. They’re driving, they’ll be safe, they can’t be mugged in the middle of nowhere. It’s okay. He thinks maybe Mark felt the same way when there was a biker gang around them.

Jinyoung was a little worried about the distance, the gang was only ten inches away from the car, and Mark was trying his best not to cry. He’s gotten into a bad accident with a biker gang, they didn’t even stop when he crashed, there was no fucking one on the highway, he would’ve been _dead_ if he hadn’t used his panic button. It’s really scary, Jinyoung admits his fear is a little irrational, but fear is fear. They usually aren’t rational.

“I was having a depressive episode, though,” He mutters, it’s not like he’s any better now. Not really, he’s still considering crashing his brand-new car into a tree, but Mark is with him. He’s not driving dangerously only because Mark is with him. “It was scary.” He sighs. “I still can’t stop thinking about _things_.”

Mark’s hand is on his thigh, Jinyoung wants to slap it away, but it’s comforting more than it’s thickening the lump in his throat, he wants to just die, but he’s got a companion to take care of. Jinyoung doesn’t say what _things_ , Mark is easy to trigger, they are yet to find him a therapist. He wishes he could say it out loud, though. He wants to go full-speed and jump out of the car, hope to die on spot – or maybe bleed painfully to death, if that’s what he deserves.

“200 metres, and we’re safe, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth. Open your mouth, slow down,” Jinyoung follows all the instructions, carefully removing his foot from the accelerator, he opens his mouth. Comfort replaces the ache in his jaws. “Roll your shoulders back, smile, hold my hand, say thank you.”

“Thank you.” And Jinyoung is better. Not mentally, no, he needs to mediate and journal, and take a nap to get better, but physically. His jaw still aches a little from how much he’s grit his teeth, but it’s better and thanking God that nothing bad happened reminds him that it didn’t. He didn’t see guns, he wasn’t scared for his life, that they got out of a possible bad situation. “Thank you,” He glances at Mark, finds him staring, smiling fondly. “I feel a little better.”

“Mhm,” Mark removes his hand, settles back on the seat. “You can nap and mediate soon, okay?” He connects his phone to the aux player, humming. “I don’t think we’ve packed your journal, so some music therapy for both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: i'm terribly sorry for the late update, but life and college does that sometimes, i suppose. i hope you liked this! a little more angsty parts coming up! <3 pls let me know if you liked it (or/and maybe some suggestions, too?)!


	8. things you said while you were crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saying goodbyes to one's favourites is really hard.
> 
>  
> 
> **trigger warning!!!!!!!!!! fictional dog death**

Deaths are always painful, even if Jinyoung’s nowhere related to the person— or animal. It’s hard to watch Mark cry like a baby, sobbing against his mother’s chest. He has been crying for over two hours now, and Jinyoung can feel his pain, he’s lost a pet to death, too, but it was inevitable to say goodbye, so he had mustered up his courage to hold it in his lap while it quietly passed away. He was the only who didn’t cry about the cat til after a month, he cried worse than this in front of Youngjae, though.

Jinyoung can only offer his arms when Mark quietly walks up to him, rubbing his swollen eyes. He dives into a hug and starts crying again, but it’s a little less this time. “N-no more _biscuits for Romi_ in the list,” He sobs, his voice high and squeaky. “Can you believe we lost a sunshine like her?”

Jinyoung is trying to think of comforting words for his boyfriend, but he settles on patting his back, whispering how sorry he is for the loss, and humming when Mark continues to mutter about how much of a sunshine Romi was. She _was_. His heart clenches, the past tense is so… it makes him want to punch its face, if it had one. Seriously.

Two minutes later, Mark is still hugging Jinyoung, but it’s stopped crying - ugly crying is stopped, but he’s still hiccoughing. His throat must be sore, and he clearly needs rest. So do Mr. and Mrs. Tuan. He looks at the window, they’re already inside, looking upset, but they’re keeping plates on the table for lunch. It’s already lunch time.

“Baby,” Jinyoung whispers, trying to look at Mark, but he’s not letting his grip loose. “Baby, you need to rest. And eat.”

“I don’t wanna,” Mark mutters, then lets him go, pouting. “I’m going to lock myself in my room and try to get over her.” Before he can turn around, Jinyoung grabs his wrist, laces their fingers together. “I know it’s a bad idea, but it’ll make me feel better.”

“Romi wouldn’t like it,” He feels terrible for playing this _‘dead person wouldn’t like it’_ card, but it’s his only chance to convince Mark into a better way of getting over Romi. “She’d probably bark till you get annoyed instead of upset and make you open the door, yeah?”

It makes Mark break down again, he nods, wiping his tears and snot again and again on his sleeve. Jinyoung carefully wraps his arm around Mark’s waist, walking him into the house, “Get some water, have some food, and sleep, okay?” He settles Mark onto the chair, and pours him a glass of water. “Do you want to help in making the food?”

“Maybe,” Mark mutters. “What’re we making?”

Mrs. Tuan gauges Mark’s face, before she gives him a sympathetic smile. “What do you want?”

“Nothing,” he replies, slowly drinking the water. “I don’t have an appetite for anything right now.”

“Something less oily, more greens,” Mr. Tuan says, he’s reading the newspaper on the couch. From this angle, he and his son look so similar, Jinyoung notices, but Mark is a proper mix of both of his parents. “And yogurt at the end. It’ll help him sleep.”

“Baked peas,” Mrs. Tuan suggests, “Oats with almond milk, with blueberries on the top.”

She and Jinyoung look at Mark, who just shrugs, pouring himself another glass of water. “I’m unbiased.” He says, chugging the water down, making a mess. “Anything is fine.”

They start preparing the lunch, Mrs. Tuan making the oats, while Jinyoung bakes the beans with seasoning. The whole house is silent, except for occasional shuffling in the kitchen and paper turning over. Jinyoung keeps an eye on Mark, he isn’t sure why, but he’s worried. Worried that maybe Mark will break down again, cry his eyes out literally. He already looks so sick.

Once everyone settles on the table, everyone starts eating, and Mark chews his food slow, as if his brain is trying to coordinate his muscles.

“Eat the yogurt after this and sleep,” Mrs. Tuan says sternly.

Mark nods.

Mr. Tuan passes a something over the table, avoiding eye contact with anyone. “It’s the picture I took of her before leaving the vet,” he says, almost whispering. “She was so happy to leave the vet.”

Jinyoung watches Mark pick up the polaroid, on the edge of his seat, ready to hug him if he starts crying. But, he doesn’t. He only stares at it, a soft smile on his face. “She looks so cute,” he says, looking up at Jinyoung, he shows the picture. “Isn’t she cute?”

There is a big German Shepherd sitting on the table, her blurry tail evidence of how fast she was wagging her tail, a bow behind her ear, the doctor’s hand is against the bowl-thing. It looks as though she is actually happy, it looks like she’s smiling, and Jinyoung hopelessly smiles. Her smile is contagious.

“She is,” Jinyoung agrees. “She looks like a ray of sunshine.”

Mark’s smile fades. “She is a ray of sunshine… maybe that’s why she went back to the Sun, to get back to her duties of giving people light.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been, what, 14982359283423 years? indeed. i, for one, had no idea what to do with the prompt, plus i got busy in loving the other ideas i almost forgot about this. yikes? ANYWAY I HOPE YOU DIDN'T CRY, AND I HOPE YOU LIKED IT AND I REALLY HOPE YOU'D LET ME KNOW IF YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> (p.s. this one is dedicated to the lovely, lovely, wonderful attackthenoona!!!!!!!! thank u so much for your comment on the last piece dear i appreciate it so much i don't have any words <3)


	9. things you said while i was crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it feels as though depression chose his Ideal Day to remind him it exists.

It’s just a bad day. Closing his eyes, Jinyoung takes deep breaths, trying to swallow all sobs which try to choke him up. He’s done exceptionally good during work today, he had a perfect day. An ideal day he’s been trying to get for so long, and he’s finally lived it, yet he’s feeling like shit. So shitty, he wants to stab something, maybe himself, maybe that annoying dog their neighbours own. Horrible feelings stir in his stomach, he’s trying to walk it out, but nothing’s helping.

Five minutes to eight, the doorbell rings. It makes him dig his nails into his thighs, he stands up, leaves a shaky breath before answering the door. It’s Mark, he’s smiling tiredly, and it’s cute — usually. He only grunts in response to Mark’s question, and strides into their room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he realizes he wants to cry and maybe die too. His appointment is tomorrow, he isn’t sure if he can hold in for so long.

There is a knock on the door. “Jinyoungie?” He takes a deep breath, sighs. “Jinyoungie, are you okay?”

That’s enough to break him. Fat tears stream down his cheeks, sobs finally burn his throat, and the click of the door makes him cry more. He curls himself on the bed, facing away from Mark and continues crying. He isn’t sure why he’s crying, and it makes him feel dumb — which makes him want to cry more. He doesn’t like being dumb, being dumb sucks and people will pick on him for being dumb. He doesn’t want to be dumb, but he’s so fucking dumb.

“Do you want to look at me, Nyoungie?”

He feels gentle hands on his arm and back, carefully pulling him into looking at Mark. He’s blurry but Jinyoung knows he’s worried. He’d at least talk about it, if only he knew why he’s feeling sad. He’s sad, so sad, he wishes for an iron rod through his chin, coming out from his skull. The thought makes him cry more, because it’d hurt so much, yet he’s feeling the same amount of pain somehow. Even though there is no physical stimulation, saying it out loud makes it sound like he’s faking it all.

“I-I’m not fake, right?” He sobs, and hugs Mark as tight as he can. “I’m not sad for attention,” he really isn’t. He doesn’t want attention, he isn’t an attention-seeker. He’s just sad. Sad. That’s it, he doesn’t want to do anything but die, he really doesn’t want anything but death right now. “I just want to die, Mark, please.”

“Nyoungie.”

“Make this feeling go away, I had my perfect day and I’m not supposed to be sad. But, I’m sad. It sucks. I don’t want to be sad, I’m supposed to be happy, not like this. I hate this. I hate myself for feeling this. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I have a perfect day without feeling like this? Why—”

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Mark is caressing his back, and also moving his fingers in Jinyoung’s hair. It makes him a little sleepy. “It’s okay to feel that way, it’s okay to be like this. You aren’t faking it, Jinyoungie, and you sure as fuck aren’t doing it for attention, yeah? You’re just sad, and that’s okay. Cry it out, it’ll feel nice later, okay? It’ll be okay soon, let it out.”

And Jinyoung listens. He cries till his throat is sore, eyes so swollen he can barely open them, body dead tired, and dehydrated. Maybe the dehydration will kill him, which is nice, but right now, he prefers sleep. Maybe he’ll die in his sleep, which is a good one. Silent, quick, painless.

When Mark leaves the room to get water, Jinyoung’s first instinct is to search for something to dig into his wrists, he scans the dark room carefully, only to see the clock read _8:54 PM_. He’s been crying for over an hour now, wow.

“Mark,” Jinyoung hates his voice, but he wants this to stop. Just fucking stop. “Mark, come back, _please, please, please,_ come back.”

The door opens again and Mark is stumbling into the room, giving him a bottle of water and immediately hugging him head-to-chest. “I’m here, nothing’s wrong, it’ll be okay,” He says, presses a kiss onto Jinyoung’s head. “You’re okay, you’ll  be okay.”

It’s like a knife into his throat, but he nods his head. They shift completely onto the bed, Mark is the big spoon this time, and after what seems like a lifetime, Jinyoung falls asleep, still hoping he’d be dead and doesn’t have to wake up tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sort of edited. i am in jinyoung's situation rn and have nobody so yeah, the Sad Stuff. next one better make you guys cry or i'll punch myself tbh. anywho, i hope u liked the writing and let me know if you did.


	10. things you said that made me feel like shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s 27th of December. Four years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempt + depression chapter. please don't read it if you're low. although it does connect the up-coming chapters, it won't be that much of a difference. you don't have to read this, seriously. don't.**
> 
>  
> 
> Mark's words are NOT my thoughts. it's the character alone, and please do not take any of this personally.  
> please, please, please, get help if you're dealing with any sort of mental illness. it's hard, i know, getting help will make it easier, and it'll get better soon. i care about your existence, hang in there, dear <3

There is blood, on his shirt, on his hands, and Jinyoung realizes what he’s done. Panicked, he wipes it on his shirt, crying more than he was before, trying to make it stop. His wrist hurts, his head is throbbing, and his voice is hoarse from crying so much.

“M-Mark!” He yells, and stumbles to get up. He trips over the bloody knife, falling harshly on the wooden floor. His heart is beating too fast, his wrist is not going to heal soon, he needs to make it stop. “Mark, help me,” it’s barely a whisper now. He doesn’t have the energy for this, he can’t get up and keep his hand under the sink. “Mark…” But his hand is burning, he feels the ground shake as Mark runs up to him.

He’s crying, Mark is crying. Jinyoung feels like shit for doing this, for cutting his wrist, for being the reason so many tears. He hates it. He hates himself, that’s why he did it in the first place and now… shit.

Jinyoung is limp, he can’t put any of his energy but into crying, and it isn’t helping — it’s just happening. Mark’s arm is on his waist, supporting Jinyoung’s whole body with his. The cold water on his burning wrist feels better, but he doesn’t want it to feel better. He’s a shitty person. Shitty, shitty, shitty. That’s why he deserves death, and that’s why he took the knife in the first place—

“Stop,  _ stop _ !” Mark chokes, crying so bad, his snot all over his sleeve. He wipes it again, pulling Jinyoung’s hand under the water. “Stop pulling away! You fucking asshole,  _ I said stop _ !” He gives up, he tries to stand properly on his legs, only to have Mark pull him against his body once again, making him go back to their initial position.

Two minutes later, the bleeding stops, but Mark is still crying. He half-carries Jinyoung to their bedroom, takes out the first-aid kit to wrap his cut firmly. They don’t speak, he continues to nurse, while Jinyoung is left trying to stop his thoughts. People say depression is like some sort of monster, something external which drives them crazy, but it’s him. He chose to cut his wrist and make Mark cry. He chose to put his therapist down, he chose to this. He feels shittier.

Once Mark stops crying, Jinyoung takes a deep breath. “Mark—”

“Save it,” he spits. “Save all of the ‘it got the best of me’ or any bullshit you’re going to feed me, I’m not hungry.” He stands up, and takes a step back. Mark’s phone rings, it’s 2:00 AM. And there’s a tiny reminder below the alarm sign.

_ 4 anni w nyoungie <3 _

It’s 27th of December. Four years.

Mark chuckles, there is no humour in the sound. “Four years,” he swirls around and flops on the bed, turning so his back faces Jinyoung. “So, this was your anniversary gift, huh?”

“Mark, please—”

“Didn’t you think of me?” Mark is clearly crying again, but Jinyoung doesn’t have the guts to face him. “Didn’t you think of Romi? Your mom? Your dad? Your friend, Youngjae? Your colleagues? Anyone, Jinyoung, any  _ single _ person and stopped before you did that?”

He stays silent, tears stinging in his eyes. He really doesn’t have energy for crying, and yet he’s crying. This day couldn’t get worse.

“You’re so full of yourself,” Mark sobs, “You’re a piece of shit. I hate you. I’m not going to propose you.”

“Wh-what?”

“There’s a fucking useless ring in the last sock drawer.”

“Mark—”

“I’m going to sleep, Jinyoung, you’re not allowed in the kitchen anymore. Or anywhere, stay here.”

***

The doctor says that, too.

“Bed rest for today, your daily therapy will start tomorrow.” Dr. Frank says, and pats Jinyoung’s thigh. He gives Mark a small smile before leaving. They still haven’t talked, but Mark has called Jinyoung’s family, Youngjae, and even their US friends. It’s still 27th, but only 3:00 PM, and everything wouldn’t be worse.

His phone rings, and it’s his mom. He doesn’t want to, and maybe Mark understands it by his face, he takes the phone, and answers it.

“Hey, it’s Mark, mom… We’re at the hospital, he’s fine, he’s resting right now… Yeah, yeah, I’ll call you once he’s awake, okay?” He cuts the call, and tosses it back next to Jinyoung’s pillow. He just sits next to Jinyoung, giving him the cold shoulder, pretending to text someone on his phone. He does it every time he wants to avoid someone. Jinyoung is usually his to-go person at these situations, and it’s sad, watching him like this.

“Mark,” for the first time in nearly seven hours, Mark has looked at him in the eyes, and not stopped him from speaking. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re full of shit,” he snarks. “Why would you do that? I was right next to you, you could just wake me up and talk to me. Or we could do something, if you wanted to feel something. But, what did you do? You chose to walk yourself into the kitchen, take our knife set to  _ choose _ a knife, and just… slit your wrist. Just like that. Not even a single thought of anyone. It was that easy to you, wasn’t it?”

“I feel terrible, I really do. I regret not waking you up, I regret every second of it, okay?”

“No, it isn’t okay, what do you want me to say? ‘Oh, it’s okay, Jinyoungie, it happens sometimes?’ well, let me tell you something: You chose it. You fucking chose it, and I’m not forgiving you for this.”

Jinyoung stays silent and continues fondling with the ring box. 

***

Next day, right before his therapy, his family hurries to him. They’re all crying, his younger sister keeps hitting his arm, and Jinyoung breaks down again. All of them are hugging him one after the other, his mother even slaps him across the face, and his dad does too. Jinyoung feels a little love in them, and lots of pain. His sister tries to punch his face, but here fist weakens upon touching his cheek, and she curls up against him, holding tight onto his hospital dress.

His psychiatrist skillfully whirls them away, and takes him to her cabin.

That’s how two days pass, Mark still doesn’t talk to him, his family treat him like a dirty, yet small puppy, and Jinyoung still wants his psychiatrist to increase the dose of antidepressants. His family give him talks on how many people have committed suicide, how their families are suffering from the karma. They’re trying to help, he understands, but it isn’t really helping. Even after so much, he can’t shake off the thought of dying. He can see his psychiatrist lose hope on him. Or maybe she’s only getting started, and it’s the initial ‘feel bad’ phase before she kicks him up into doing better with life.

Today, they tried to get to the root of his thoughts. Jinyoung got to the extent of explaining how he feels, and in the last two minutes, he sighs, says, “I’m fucking dumb, that’s it. That’s the fucking root of this.”

“Don’t do that.” She warns, but Jinyoung is already walking out of the cabin.

He stops when he sees Mark leaning against the wall, looking handsome as ever. More, actually, he’s wearing some makeup. “You should listen to her,” he says, and extends his hand. Jinyoung gratefully takes it, and they start walking together. “You aren’t dumb, we just suck at feelings.”

Jinyoung stays silent.

“I’m sorry for all the shit I said when I was mad,” he shakes his head, muttering it’s okay, and Mark squeezes his hand. “I did mean it, but I could’ve handled the situation better, I guess.”

“It made me feel like shit,” he admits. “It still does.”

They stay silent, and once they’re in the taxi, Mark slides his hand onto Jinyoung’s thigh. He holds Mark’s hand. It’s an agreement, forgiveness, apology, and everything which needed to be filled it. Everything feels okay, now, but Jinyoung knows once he’s alone, the thoughts will be back, and it won’t be just an attempt the second time.

“I don’t want to be alone,” he says, “I don’t trust myself.”

“You won’t be. Youngjae, your mom, and I’ll be with you nearly all the time,” Mark assures. There is a pause, they look at each other. “We’re here for you, okay? Just… trying your best.”

“I am,” Jinyoung sighs. “It’s just hard to stay positive, you know? I feel like my last resort is a time machine.”


	11. things you said when you were drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung's inner grandfather is happy watching a giggly, talkative drunk mess.

It’s the first time in three months Mark has gotten drunk, to the point where he can’t stand properly, and needs Jinyoung’s help in the smallest thing. It makes him feel nice, a little fuzzy in the chest, makes the grandfather in him happy. He happily watches Mark hold his plastic cup, as though his life depends on it, and pout at it, wondering out loud where the liquor went.

“It was in there,” Mark says, and turns to him, pout deepening. Jinyoung is glad that his drunk boyfriend doesn’t watch his every step, ask him about how he feels every second. “It was there a  _ second _ ago!” Jinyoung wants to engulf him into a tight hug, pet his head and tuck him to bed. His boyfriend is a man-child when he’s drunk, or he’s just a talking mess. He talks and talks and talks and never shuts up. It’s cute. Jinyoung also wants to kiss the daylights out of him.

“You’re so cute,” Jinyoung gushes, holding Mark’s hand, he lets Mark carelessly lean on him, still pouting at the cup. “It’s in your tummy now,” he says, and gets an adorable noise in reply. “You drank it all, Markkie-pooh.”

“Tummy is such a cute word,” he slurs, and pushes Jinyoung’s shoulder to look at him. “Markkie-pooh is also cute, but tummy is cuter, you know? Tummy. Tummy tum tum, why don’t people say that instead of stomach?” Mark scrunches his nose, his supposedly angry face is child-like. “Tummy-ache, tummy-itis, even gut should be tummy. It makes everything harmless.”

“Get a medical degree and do it,” Jinyoung suggests, laughs when Mark stomps his feet, whining about studying. “If you want it to be tummy-itis, you gotta study, Markkie-pooh.” More whining, Jinyoung would’ve kissed him already, but he’s so drunk, he’d rather watch him sleep peacefully.

“I’ll just punch someone into changing the name,” Mark huffs, “who likes studying, anyway? Studying is bo _ ring _ !”

Jinyoung takes Mark’s arm and wraps it around his shoulder, his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, he starts walking carefully. “I like studying,” he says, avoids a crowd of drunk strangers trying to pull them on the dance stage, and continues. “It’s interesting to know new things.”

“Snore, snore,” Mark giggles. “I’m sleeping, Jinyoungie, it’s so boring. I’m snoring, too! Deep sleep!”

Jinyoung pretends to be annoyed. “I don’t like you!” he huffs.

“No! Jinyoungie, you like me, right?” Mark sounds so desperate, Jinyoung feels bad for enjoying his kicked-puppy voice. “Please, please don’t not like me!”

“I don’t like you, Markkie-pooh,” Mark pretends to cry on his shoulder. “I love you.”

Mark stops his steps. Jinyoung, startled, looks at him, worried. He might throw up, and they’re not out of the pub yet.  _ Please don’t throw up, Mark, please don’t _ .

“That,” Mark covers his mouth, and pretends to throw up. “So cheesy. I might, actually throw up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY A HAPPY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the next ones are fluffs!!!!!!!! + some angst might be thrown in there, but it's Not going to be like last chapter. i'm really sorry about the last one, it's my first so i really don't know if i want to delete it. ANYWHO I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS TINY FLUFF~ pls let me know if you did!


	12. things you said when you thought i was asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after a tiring day, mark doesn't know to shut up. jinyoung likes it, though.

“Are you asleep?”

Jinyoung doesn’t have the energy to move a single muscle, he continues to try and fall asleep. Mark pets his head, “You are, small baby.” He chuckles, and presses a kiss on Jinyoung’s hair. “You’re so small, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung is now awake, because his boyfriend just cannot shut up for a while and let him actually sleep before talking. He doesn’t move though, just listens.

“Can we pretend you’re awake while I talk? Thanks,” Mark chuckles again. “God, this is so stupid. Who cares, though?”

He stirs a little, which freezes Mark, he takes a deep breath and goes back to pretending to be asleep. “Yes, yes, sleep, Jinyoungie, it was a tiring day for you, right? So much to do in the wedding.”

It was his cousin’s wedding, and she chose him to do all the decorations. Although Jinyoung was honored to be elected, it was a nightmare, more or less. He took a five minutes breather before he was rushing back to the staff, telling him and helping them around.

“I’m surprised you’re alive after all that,” Mark’s breath is against his neck, a wet kiss is pressed there. “But, it was really worth it at the end, yeah? Both looked really pretty while dancing.”

He wants to brag about his skills, but before he can open his mouth, he reminds himself that he’s pretending to be asleep, and shuts up. Maybe later.

“Your homophobic uncles and aunts were staring when we slow danced, after them,” he sounds upset, Jinyoung stirs around, and snuggles up against Mark’s chest as a comforting gesture. Poor Markkie-pooh. “But, you know what? Who cares about them? I enjoyed it, and I think you did, too.” Mark chuckles, and covers his mouth, giggling behind his hand. “Almost woke you up,” another kiss on forehead. “Sleep, Jinyoungie, you did great.”

Jinyoung throws an arm on Mark’s midriff, making noises to continue his pretence, and Mark snuggles closer to him. “You know what I was thinking while we watched them dance? That could be—”

“That could be us but, I keep leaving my typewriter on the coffee table, yes, Markkie-pooh. Now, sleep.”

Jinyoung laughs when Mark lets out a betrayed gasp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello~ it's been a long time! i don't have any excuse apart from the lack of ideas and exam season :( i hope you liked it, though!! let me know if you did!! <3


	13. things you said at the kitchen table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's not a casual monday morning.

Breakfast is nice and calm. Neither of them are rushing today, awake too early, Jinyoung quietly keeps the plates on the table, waiting for Mark to get changed. It’s not very Monday in the house, but he likes this change. Maybe he should start waking up early, this silence is a little addicting. He doesn’t want to break it, and gets a little annoyed when Mark whispers a good morning to him.

“Morning,” he whispers back, and leans a little more on the kitchen counter. “Hope you like poached eggs with kimchi, we need groceries.”

“We’ll go together? Or should I get them while coming back?”

Jinyoung hums, “Let’s get it together.”

It’s all silent after that, they move around the kitchen, prepping, humming songs. Neither of them talk till the breakfast is served, and Mark has finished his coffee. They sit next to each other, Mark leaning his head against Jinyoung’s shoulder, and he rests his head on Mark’s. “Sticky note?”

Jinyoung nods.

“You’re quiet,” Mark comments. “A good one?”

“I like the silence,” he mutters, throat dry for some reason. “Is that bad?”

Mark squeezes his thigh, and sits properly. “No,” he reassures, “it’s not. Don’t worry.”

Jinyoung knows he wanted silence, but the words become a little overwhelming, and he chokes a little on his kimchi. Mark pats his back, offering water. Jinyoung shakes his head. “I just, got a little emotional over that.”

Mark looks at him with so much concern, Jinyoung wraps his arms around Mark’s neck, holding him as close as he can. “I love you so much,” he whispers, teary eyed. “Thank you so much for everything.”

“Hey,” Mark’s arms sneak around his waist, and he rubs soothing patterns on his back. “I love you too, baby, you don’t have to thank me for anything.” They break the hug, and Mark cups his cheek, “You’re doing fine up there?”

It makes him chuckle. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm stress-writing instead of stress-eating so that's good i think?


	14. things you said after you kissed me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's going to be a "tradition" of theirs.

Jinyoung has noticed, but he kept quiet about it. They’re adults with adult work, clearly, kissing everyday isn’t one of their top priorities. Right now, it’s waiting for pre-informed long breaks, so they can plan a vacation, go to a different country, and all that. Mark might get a Golden Week, but their vacations are rarely on the same time, Jinyoung’s given up hopes on that.

“We should do it everyday,” Mark says. He sits on the other side of the kitchen counter, waiting for Jinyoung to finish the dishes, there is a pout on his lips. “I really want to do it everyday.”

Jinyoung smiles a little, sighing. He stops his movements, tilts his chin forwards, “stop whining like a child,” he says, then puckers his lips. “C’mere.”

Mark leans forward and presses a wet, sloppy kiss on Jinyoung’s lips. “It’s a tradition now, okay?”

“Okay.”

***

It’s another tiring wednesday, Jinyoung drops on the couch, next to Mark. He’s taken a day off because of his sprained ankle, but he’s still got laptop on his thighs, typing away. “Welcome back,” he mutters, and absently turns his head a little, and Jinyoung has to lean forward to get his forehead kissed. Lazy butt. “How was your day?”

“It’s fine,” Jinyoung says, “how’s your leg doing?”

“Hopping on a leg,” Mark replies. Jinyoung doesn’t feel a bit bad when he casually moves the laptop to the other side, he ignores Mark’s protests, and slips on his lap, grinning. Mark huffs, annoyed. “Why’d you do that, I was working.”

“It’s got autosave, don’t worry.”

“I was on a roll, Jinyoung!”

“But,” Jinyoung purposefully pouts, leaning a little back, hands on Mark’s shoulders, making him seem smaller. “Markkie pooh, I was thinking about the tradition.”

It always works. Mark’s fondness replaces his annoyance, he smiles, chuckles a little. “Why does it always work,” he mutters, and Jinyoung moves forward, sitting on Mark’s crotch. 

He kisses Mark’s lips, pulling him closer, fingers in his hair. Mark’s hands move to his butt, gently squeezing it. Jinyoung breaks the kiss, gasping for air. Mark squeezing his butt again, panting, “You and your stupid pout face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate exam anxiety but love exams what the heckle :(


	15. things you said with too many miles between us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not all drunk calls are bad news.

“Are you drunk?”

Jinyoung hears Mark giggle, and slur a little.  _ “No, just a little tipsy.” _

“Definitely drunk,” Jinyoung concludes, it elicits some more giggling. Jinyoung smiles a little, but he’s so worried, Mark needs to have someone with him. He can’t even speak the language there, for Pete’s sake. “Is there someone with you right now?”

_ “Mhmm, nobody, nobody, it’s my room.” _

Jinyoung sighs in relief, and lays back on the bed. It’s four in the morning right now, but Mark probably doesn’t realize it. It’s okay, though, it’s nice to hear his voice after a worry full flight. “How’s the wedding coming along?”

_“Jackson is happy,”_  Mark sighs.  _“Everyone is so happy.”_

“And you?”

Mark makes a strange noise.  _“No.”_

“Oh,” Jinyoung sits up again, covers his legs with the blanket. Something heavy sinks horribly in his stomach. “Do you want me to book a return ticket for you? I’m sure they’ll—”

_“Stop.”_  Mark slurs, and lets out a whine.  _“Listen. To me. Jinyoungie.”_

Jinyoung sighs again. “Yes, Markkie pooh.”

_“I’m upset because,”_  another whining noise.  _“Even saying it is sad.”_

“You don’t—”

_ “Shut up, and listen to me. Jinyoungie. I’m upset because it’s them getting married, and not us. But I swore to myself, to never be the one to propose first.” _

Jinyoung’s stomach feels funny, but his heart is beating in his ears, breath shortening, and he feels tears sting in his eyes.

_ “Propose to me. Ask me to marry you. I’ve waited long enough.” _

Jinyoung chuckles a little, tears running down his cheek. “O-okay, I will, when you come back.”

  
_“No, do it,”_  Mark hiccoughs adorably.  _“Do it now. Like you would when I get there.”_

Jinyoung thinks of cheating, just saying the words instead of of doing any gestures, but it stings his heart. He gets down the bed, takes out the ring Mark had bought, and gets on his knee, holds the closed ring box up. “Mark Tuan,” he purses his lips, gulping a few sobs back. “You’ve been my best friend for nearly five years now, and boyfriend for three years, and I hope you’d like to spend the rest as my husband,” he presses the phone between his ear and shoulders, and opens the box. “Will you marry me?”

There is silence for a few moments, Jinyoung frowns a little, “Hello?”

Still silent. Maybe he fell asleep. It makes Jinyoung chuckle. He ends the call, and texts Mark to reply to him once he wakes up, and goes to bed with the ring on his ring finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlo!!!! my exams are (almost) over!! it's only english left so it doesn't count, i guess? ANYWAY IT'S DONE SO BETTER UPDATES! i'm thinking of finishing this once for all, maybe i'll update everyday, or maybe once two days, we'll see! but my plan is to finish this before my national exams~ thank you so much for reading!! let me know if you liked it!! <3


	16. things you said with no space between us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's not the last, nor is the the first. it's just special.

“I’m glad that it’s the same ring.”

Jinyoung nuzzles his nose against Mark’s shoulder, humming. He tightens his grip around Mark’s waist. Mark is the little spoon this time for a change, their bodies are squished together on the bed, they could fit another person in the remaining. “We can’t afford a different ring,” he mutters. He traces Mark’s arm with his fingertips, reaching his hand, he twines their fingers, and holds it up to see the ring. “Besides, it looks better on your hand.”

“I’m getting you my second choice,” Mark’s voice getting lower, he’s sleepy. Finally, Jinyoung thinks, it’s quarter past three, someone ought to fall asleep and let the other hyperventilate about today. “I know it’s second choice, but it’s much prettier,” he giggles a little, “I had to prefer cost over look for this one.”

“I’d even take a fruit loop,” it makes Mark groan, and Jinyoung laughs. “I’m not kidding, I’ll be petty about it later, but right now, I’m so in love with you, I can’t care about a ring.”

Mark is silent for a moment, Jinyoung wants to assume he’s fallen asleep, but his chest isn’t moving. Mark sighs loudly, he brings their hands near his mouth, and kisses the back of Jinyoung’s hand tenderly, “I’ve heard that so many times, but it made me feel… different,” Mark sighs again, “I don’t know what that was, but I’m in love with you, too, Jinyoung. So much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it's so short. im just very stressed because of my college.


	17. things you said i wish you didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung guesses people have different tastes in 'jokes'.

The laughter only makes everything worse. It’s supposed to be a joke, and Jinyoung can take a joke. He really can. His hands are shaking for some reason, water in his glass is clearly showing it, and Jinyoung gently keeps the glass down. His lungs aren’t expanding enough, he’s breathing through his mouth but it isn’t  _ enough _ .

Everyone tearing up by laughter, some holding their stomachs, and Mark is rubbing his tears away, grinning widely at his friend.

His throat is going dry, but the glass is too heavy for him. There are plastic cups in the kitchen. They’ll be lighter. He excuses himself from the table, barely whispering his words, and rushes to the kitchen.

Kitchen is worse. It’s smaller than their living room, and the open windows don’t even help. He leans over the window, opening his mouth, trying to catch his breath. Complete his breath. 

It’s a joke. Yeah, Jinyoung isn’t offended by it, really. It doesn’t make him laugh like others, though. He did smile, he hopes that’s enough. He doesn’t want to be a joy-killer. That reputation died the moment he boarded the flight. It really did.

“Jinyoung?”

His hand on the panel slips, hits his chin on the window panel. Groaning, he cups his throbbing chin, and looks back, a small smile on his lips. “Hey, I’m just getting some water.”

“And some air.” Nina is clearly worried. Jinyoung forces a bigger smile. 

“Fresh air,” he agrees. “I just—”

“It’s your house, you don’t have to give me excuses, Jinyoung.” She pours herself a cup of water, and brings it to her lips. “I know that hurt you.”

“It didn’t. It’s a joke. I’m fine.”

Nina shrugs. She gulps down the water, and keeps the glass in the sink. “It ought to. It was insensitive.” She leaves, adding on her way out, “tell Mark about it. It wasn’t a joke. All of those buttheads are getting it from me going back.”

Jinyoung presses hard against the ache of his chin, wincing. It’s a joke. He can take a joke. The thought squeezes his heart worse, but he can  _ take the joke _ .


End file.
